Through a blue lens(2)

One of the best movies of all times, "The sound of music", has a wonderful song. It goes:

Lets start at the very beginning,
A very good place to start.
When you read, you begin with
A-B-C
A-B-C
When you sing, you begin with
Do-re-mi......

When you sing you begin with do-re-mi... When you kill, you begin with load, point and shoot. 3 simple steps, a recoil, a splash of blood and a thud later, a life is gone, and its over. You can do it again if you want. Its really easy. All you need to do is point and shoot and wait for the thud of the lifeless body hitting the floor. There are some who say its an art. Others say its sport.

I disagree with both of them.

When you are someone in my position, you don't kill for fun. You don't kill if you can avoid it. Infact, its the last thing in a list of options - if you are sane enough to think up of a list of options being in my position - is killing someone.

But I'm Dash. I've gone from being the best particle physicist around to a camera man for a porno racket in the outskirts of Mumbai. I have an ex-girlfriend who thinks I deserted her as soon as she got pregnant. The person whom I live with today, the one person I would give up my life for, (or take someone else's as in this case), shares more than his shaving cream with me.

I will kill if I have to.

---

The police would find her body by the weekend.

It doesn't matter.

They'll get a positive identification within two hours. Nobody can identify a journalist faster than the police themselves.

It doesn't matter.

They'll find the murder weapon by about the same time. The ballistics will be able to confirm it was the murder weapon. Forensics will find finger prints on them. My finger prints.

It doesn't matter.

They'll trace the gun to its rightful owner. He'll say it was stolen. If he was smart, he'll have a copy of an FIR complaint filed two days ago to prove his gun was stolen.

It doesn't matter.

No one threatens your life. Not while I'm around. I might be a bar tender and a fucked up camera man, but she should have remembered I was more than just that a year ago.

I was the best physicist around, and I didn't get there by just lazing around.

I might live in a rat hole, and my head might be fucked up beyond recognition. But the life I see, through a blue lens, is still processed by one of the sharpest minds in the country. A few nasty incidents in life later, when she found herself at the bad end of a nozzle and me on the other side of it, she knew what was going to happen next. She closed her eyes and waited for it. Bless her, she spared me having to close her body's eyes.

---

There is something horribly wrong with this country isnt there? You know there is. I gave up my profession to find it. I abandoned the girl I thought I loved right when she needed me the most, just to prove it.

This is my story.

This is my story, as seen through a blue lens.

And I have a question for you before I leave today:

Who rules the world?

--Dash

Shattered glass

One of the best moments in life is when everything in life is suddenly as clear as the sparkling blue surface of a freshwater lake. Everything that ever was, everything that is and everything that will be, a beautiful symphony of pointless causes and their effects dancing a dance that binds everything together as one.

And then, there are those times when you have to see this very same vision through a shattered glass, a disturbed mind, a frustrated soul.

When you know the world is perfect but you couldn't care less, when you know see cracks and distorted images everywhere, when the closest thing to peace you can think of is being left alone surrounded by the shattered fragments of glass...

That can safely be called one of the most frustrating moments in life. Right now, I happen to be there. I am disturbed. A million horribly harsh colours are being reflected a hundred times inside the glass shards in my head, denying me the luxury of being wrapped in darkness.

I am disturbed.

Through a blue lens(1)

I am 6'3". I have a body that shows I've been hitting the gym for 2 hours every day for the past 7 years. I have straight jet black hair that almost always crowns any East Indian. If you've been to one of the higher end bars in Mumbai, you'll probably recognize me as the guy serving the tables closest to the washrooms.

I drive an old Yamaha rx100, I live in a 10x10 rathole in a corner of mumbai that you would not want to enter untill you've had all your shots. I call myself Dheeraj, Dash for short, though thats not my real name.

This is not my real life.

My real job isn't serving tables at a bar.

I don't have to live in a rat hole. I can afford a lot more. I repeat: I can afford a LOT more.

I just don't want to draw attention to myself. Because what I really am, does not go well with the society I live in. What I really do for a living, is illegal in my country.

You see, I'm homosexual and I'm the camera man for a local porn house.

Late at night, after my shift ends, I ride up a lonely road to a farm house hidden away on the outskirts. Here, I assume my real name. My real identity. A couple of desperate ladies wait outside for me. They enter with me. In the next three hours, they strip, they pose, they groan, they moan and they fuck. I capture them on my camera. I leave it in the usual place: the table next to the Mughal flower vase. Editing them, distributing them, finding the girl for the next night and managing our pays are not my job. I'm just the camera man. The photographer.

I see life through the blue lens.

---

I've been doing this for 5 years now. 5 years of looking through the blue lens can fuck up your thought process. 5 years of looking through a blue lens has fucked up my thought process.

---

I've got something to tell you. But you're going to have to wait for it. Now is not the time. Keep checking this blog for my return.


Dash

Midnight call

Its midnight.

Only 9 hours away from a big exam.

You're deep asleep.

You're sleeping because you know you need to sleep if you have to do well in the exam hall.

Your friend calls you up crying. She's been dumped, and she's not able to take it well and you're the only person she can talk to. She asks you "Why? Why me?".

What do you do?
What do you say?
What can you do?
What can you say?

Sometimes, the closest of friends cost you more than just time, laughter and joy. Sometimes, you have to gamble BIG with your life for your friends. And sometimes, you'll have to choose between a big exam, and your friend.

Exams are important. They tell you how much you've gained out of a course. They tell you if you're ready to bear the responsibility of knowing something. They result in marks and grades and an official doccument that can haunt you for the rest of your life.

But here in India, exams are bullshit.

I chose my friend.

Epilogue:
I slept at three that night after a nice long talk. By the time I hung up, she was feeling much better. I woke up early enough not to be late for the exam. And surprisingly, I did well!

In the end, I guess the satisfaction of helping out a person you care about is just as rewarding as a good night's sleep. Next time someone decides to call me 9 hours before a big exam, and asks for help...

I know what to do.

Elevator

Up and down
up and down
on and on
forever

Stride into me
run into me
in and out
on and on

I'll come for you
I'll let you in
walk through my doors
in and out

Call for me
summon me
I'll open up
walk through my doors

I'll take you up
I'll take you down
I'll only come when you call
I'll open up

But don't you see
how you're like me
deep inside you know
I'll only come when you call

Yet even your life goes up
your life goes down
forever
deep inside you know.

Hell, its April 2010 already!

OMG! Its April 2010 and this is the first time I've felt like blogging in a really really long time!

Its been a hell of a ride since july 2009. Am I still living the life of my dreams? Hell yes! Life is awesome.

More about whts happening to me coming soon.....

I'm back!!

Wow!! Its been ages since I last blogged here!! Well, this is to tell you that I'm back and blogging!!! Will post here pretty pretty soon!!

Cheers!!!