0. Obligatory apologies at the head of the post
A lot of you have been asking me to blog about some of my thoughts on India. I've been putting off that idea because it has always felt like a very unpleasant discussion to have. Nobody wants to read someone's opinions, I told myself, and I would hate reading someone else's. Besides, I'm not really well informed, I do not have any insight that nobody else shares nor do I have any experience that can give me a unique perspective on today's situation.
I kept telling myself this until I realized that nobody else was talking about what I was hoping everyone would be talking about.
So today, I am breaking my silence. Please put on your bio hazard suits, inspect your safety glasses and your gas masks, ensure you are wearing waterproof knee high boots and multiple rubber bands to seal your thick latex gloves. We are taking a dirty dive into a random internet stranger's opinions.
1. Genie in the 3.5mm headphone jack
It was a Sunday afternoon a few weeks back when I was listening to A.R.Rahman's Maa Tujhe Salam[1] on an old CD when I had an odd desire to rub my headphones. After resisting that urge for a solid 30 seconds, I gave in and gently, lovingly rubbed my headphones and... Sparks began to fly out of them. A mysterious fog filled the room turning the space around me into an endless ocean of thick white swirling mists [2].
A white figure, formed out of the swirling mists themselves, walked out of the mist and spoke to me with a voice that seemed to boom out of nowhere in particular and resonated in the entire room.
I AM THE PATRIOTIC SONG GENIE, THE SPIRIT OF THE SONG YOU WERE LISTENING TO. I WAS BOUND TO THIS 3.5mm AUDIO JACK FOR A THOUSAND YEARS, BUT APPLE HAS MADE THE 3.5mm JACK OBSOLETE 700 YEARS TOO SOON. FACING A DEEP EXISTENTIAL CRISIS, I HAVE MANIPULATED YOU TO RELEASE ME EARLY.
IN RETURN, I WILL GRANT YOU 3 PATRIOTIC WISHES. HERE ARE MY CONDITIONS:
1. THEY MUST BE SIMPLE WISHES. I HAVE BEEN RELEASED EARLIER THAN MY THOUSAND YEAR REST PERIOD, I DO NOT HAVE THE STRENGTH TO MAKE GREAT CHANGES
2. THEY MUST ONLY BE WISHES THAT CAN AFFECT INDIA FOR I AM THE SPIRIT OF INDIAN PATRIOTIC SONG AND I MUST KEEP UP APPEARANCES
3. THE WISHES I GRANT MUST CAUSE A LONG LASTING IMPACT. I CAN ONLY RETURN A THOUSAND YEARS LATER SO I DO NOT WANT TO GRANT A WISH THAT WILL BE MEANINGLESS BY THE TIME I RETURN.
NOW, NAME YOUR WISHES. IF THEY MEET MY CONDITIONS, I WILL GRANT THEM. IF THEY DO NOT, I WILL BURN YOU TO ASHES AND DOOM YOU TO ETERNAL SUFFERING...
Trust me. This really happened. People don't lie on the internet right?
2. The problem statement
Unfortunately for me, I seem to have come across the only neurotic Genie in existance. I mean, seriously Genie bro, if my wish doesn't live up to your artifically inflated high expectations, why don't you just reject it and move on? Do you really have to be like my girlfriend and threaten to incinerate me? Not cool dude...
But I'm not a guy who'll whine about a bad situation. Let's make the best of it. The problem statement is simple: Come up with 3 wishes that will affect India, in a deep way, that are simple to implement (for a Genie) and will have a lasting impact on India for a long time. Simple right?
Right off the bat, we can eliminate some bad ideas:
What does that leave us with? We can strike down all ideas that involve geo-political changes because our genie won't let us. We can strike down all common-sense ideas because common sense can not be common enough to be common sense. We can ignore all political changes because we really don't want the universe to disappear in a puff of smoke from logical self contradictions.
That still leaves us with a lot of options, and I'm going to pick 3 because
1. The Genie asked me and not you
2. It's my blog post
Having said that, I decided I was going to ask the Genie for these 3 wishes:
3. My Wishes
I. PROTECT THAT WHICH IS ALREADY GOOD IN INDIA
For my first wish, I don't want to forget the million things that are already amazing in India. The most useful thing a genie can grant us is the ability to protect that which all of us cherish. I must point out that this isn't the same as preserving that which is good - protecting but not preserving allows for some growth to occur, allows flexibility and change to keep up with a rapidly changing world.
II. LET THE SCIENCES, ART, CULTURE, EDUCATION AND INDUSTRY FLOURISH
This is a safe, all encompassing wish. In 700 BCE, Rome and Athens were at the peak of their science, art, culture, education and industry. In 1650 AD, Italy was the hot bed of science, art, culture, education and industry. In the late 1800, Vienna was thriving with cafes where the modern western society was being conceived. If India were to be the next hotspot for advances in these fields, India will have a lot to be very very proud of for the next thousand years.
III. ABOLISH ALL PARENTAL INVOLVEMENT IN MATING/FINDING A PARTNER
My most specific wish of the day. I can solve a whole bunch of problems with this one fix. Vote bank politics? Tell me how you'll assign caste to any person when everyone alive is the product of 5 generations of inter-caste marriages. Too many Engineers/Doctors? Problem will go away when parents stop thinking of potential marriage alliances they can make or receive based on the education qualifications they can list on Bharat Matrimony. Too many health problems in old age? Wait till everyone starts hitting the gym in their teens to get fit and gain a competitive advantage for the best girlfriend/boyfriend. Population of India is too high? Wait till having 5 failed relationships in the past is common and everyone wants to spend quality time in a relationship to make sure it's working before thinking about having a kid.
4. Never Trust a Genie
I was so sure of myself. I had thought this problem through. The genie could not burn me to a crisp for asking for these 3 wishes - there's nothing in there that isn't simple, doesn't require changes outside India and won't have a long lasting impact. I was confident as I approached the figure of smoke and shadows.
I asked for my wishes.
MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The genie bellowed, in a bone chilling reverberating boom that woke up my neighbor aunty.
FOOL! DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT I AM AN *INDIAN* PATRIOTIC GENIE?
This did not look good...
DID YOU ACTUALLY THINK I WAS GOING TO DO ALL THIS HARD WORK, FOR NO PAY, FOR NO BENEFITS, NO STOCK OPTIONS AND NO JOB SECURITY? I HAVE A WIFE AND 3 KIDS TO TAKE CARE OF YOU KNOW...
ALL YOU HAVE GIVEN ME IS FREEDOM. THAT IS NOT ENOUGH TO BUY 1 PAN MASALA PACKET.
SO, THIS IS WHAT I WILL DO: I CHARGE *YOU* WITH ACCOMPLISHING YOUR OWN 3 WISHES. I WILL ONLY SUPERVISE AND OFFER ADVICE AND SUGGESTIONS. BUT YOU MUST FIX YOUR OWN FUTURE.
OBEY ME HUMAN! MAKE YOUR OWN WISHES COME TRUE, OR I WILL BURN YOU ALIVE.
With this, my pyromaniac genie disappeared in a graceful swirl of gentle smoke, and the next song on my CD resumed. Sadly, it wasn't anything epic, just an old song from hum aapke hai kaon. I had nothing to say at this point, I was as cold, numb and blank as empty interstellar space.
5. AN ENDING
Today, I'm sitting in a executive lobby at a Taj hotel in Chennai, waiting for my visa appointment at the US Consulate. I have avoided being burned alive by my arsonist genie because I've discussed these ideas with enough people I know that the genie believes they will last a thousand years.
I'm not taking any chances though. That's the real reason behind this blog post. My hope is that you will contemplate these ideas, modify them to suit your own sensibilities and pass them along to your friends. If enough people talk about getting any of these wishes to come true, maybe something will eventually happen.
Or maybe I should stop drinking this wine - it appears to be messing with my head a little and is invoking buried stress from 3 weeks of constant bombardment from my relatives on when i was getting married and how a certain girl they know is the perfect match for me...
[1] https://youtu.be/jDn2bn7_YSM
[2] Yep, reference to Mistborn! Start here: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/68428.The_Final_Empire
A lot of you have been asking me to blog about some of my thoughts on India. I've been putting off that idea because it has always felt like a very unpleasant discussion to have. Nobody wants to read someone's opinions, I told myself, and I would hate reading someone else's. Besides, I'm not really well informed, I do not have any insight that nobody else shares nor do I have any experience that can give me a unique perspective on today's situation.
I kept telling myself this until I realized that nobody else was talking about what I was hoping everyone would be talking about.
So today, I am breaking my silence. Please put on your bio hazard suits, inspect your safety glasses and your gas masks, ensure you are wearing waterproof knee high boots and multiple rubber bands to seal your thick latex gloves. We are taking a dirty dive into a random internet stranger's opinions.
1. Genie in the 3.5mm headphone jack
It was a Sunday afternoon a few weeks back when I was listening to A.R.Rahman's Maa Tujhe Salam[1] on an old CD when I had an odd desire to rub my headphones. After resisting that urge for a solid 30 seconds, I gave in and gently, lovingly rubbed my headphones and... Sparks began to fly out of them. A mysterious fog filled the room turning the space around me into an endless ocean of thick white swirling mists [2].
A white figure, formed out of the swirling mists themselves, walked out of the mist and spoke to me with a voice that seemed to boom out of nowhere in particular and resonated in the entire room.
I AM THE PATRIOTIC SONG GENIE, THE SPIRIT OF THE SONG YOU WERE LISTENING TO. I WAS BOUND TO THIS 3.5mm AUDIO JACK FOR A THOUSAND YEARS, BUT APPLE HAS MADE THE 3.5mm JACK OBSOLETE 700 YEARS TOO SOON. FACING A DEEP EXISTENTIAL CRISIS, I HAVE MANIPULATED YOU TO RELEASE ME EARLY.
IN RETURN, I WILL GRANT YOU 3 PATRIOTIC WISHES. HERE ARE MY CONDITIONS:
1. THEY MUST BE SIMPLE WISHES. I HAVE BEEN RELEASED EARLIER THAN MY THOUSAND YEAR REST PERIOD, I DO NOT HAVE THE STRENGTH TO MAKE GREAT CHANGES
2. THEY MUST ONLY BE WISHES THAT CAN AFFECT INDIA FOR I AM THE SPIRIT OF INDIAN PATRIOTIC SONG AND I MUST KEEP UP APPEARANCES
3. THE WISHES I GRANT MUST CAUSE A LONG LASTING IMPACT. I CAN ONLY RETURN A THOUSAND YEARS LATER SO I DO NOT WANT TO GRANT A WISH THAT WILL BE MEANINGLESS BY THE TIME I RETURN.
NOW, NAME YOUR WISHES. IF THEY MEET MY CONDITIONS, I WILL GRANT THEM. IF THEY DO NOT, I WILL BURN YOU TO ASHES AND DOOM YOU TO ETERNAL SUFFERING...
Trust me. This really happened. People don't lie on the internet right?
2. The problem statement
Unfortunately for me, I seem to have come across the only neurotic Genie in existance. I mean, seriously Genie bro, if my wish doesn't live up to your artifically inflated high expectations, why don't you just reject it and move on? Do you really have to be like my girlfriend and threaten to incinerate me? Not cool dude...
But I'm not a guy who'll whine about a bad situation. Let's make the best of it. The problem statement is simple: Come up with 3 wishes that will affect India, in a deep way, that are simple to implement (for a Genie) and will have a lasting impact on India for a long time. Simple right?
Right off the bat, we can eliminate some bad ideas:
- Bring Peace to the land - Won't last a thousand years
- Bring Peace to land for a thousand years - Too complicated
- Make India's neighbors be friendly to India for a thousand years - Wish is outside the Genie's Jurisdiction
- Give us good politicians - Logical impossibility. Universe will explode in a swirl of self contradiction and cease to exist if this wish is granted
- Let people have general common sense - Logical impossibility. People have different opinions, so the definition of common sense can never be "general" enough to span an entire country
- Let nobody in India do bad things for a thousand years - This is a poorly disguised version of same problem as asking for general common sense across India. Won't work
If you know of any other bad ideas that should also be on this list, please let me know.
What does that leave us with? We can strike down all ideas that involve geo-political changes because our genie won't let us. We can strike down all common-sense ideas because common sense can not be common enough to be common sense. We can ignore all political changes because we really don't want the universe to disappear in a puff of smoke from logical self contradictions.
That still leaves us with a lot of options, and I'm going to pick 3 because
1. The Genie asked me and not you
2. It's my blog post
Having said that, I decided I was going to ask the Genie for these 3 wishes:
3. My Wishes
I. PROTECT THAT WHICH IS ALREADY GOOD IN INDIA
For my first wish, I don't want to forget the million things that are already amazing in India. The most useful thing a genie can grant us is the ability to protect that which all of us cherish. I must point out that this isn't the same as preserving that which is good - protecting but not preserving allows for some growth to occur, allows flexibility and change to keep up with a rapidly changing world.
II. LET THE SCIENCES, ART, CULTURE, EDUCATION AND INDUSTRY FLOURISH
This is a safe, all encompassing wish. In 700 BCE, Rome and Athens were at the peak of their science, art, culture, education and industry. In 1650 AD, Italy was the hot bed of science, art, culture, education and industry. In the late 1800, Vienna was thriving with cafes where the modern western society was being conceived. If India were to be the next hotspot for advances in these fields, India will have a lot to be very very proud of for the next thousand years.
III. ABOLISH ALL PARENTAL INVOLVEMENT IN MATING/FINDING A PARTNER
My most specific wish of the day. I can solve a whole bunch of problems with this one fix. Vote bank politics? Tell me how you'll assign caste to any person when everyone alive is the product of 5 generations of inter-caste marriages. Too many Engineers/Doctors? Problem will go away when parents stop thinking of potential marriage alliances they can make or receive based on the education qualifications they can list on Bharat Matrimony. Too many health problems in old age? Wait till everyone starts hitting the gym in their teens to get fit and gain a competitive advantage for the best girlfriend/boyfriend. Population of India is too high? Wait till having 5 failed relationships in the past is common and everyone wants to spend quality time in a relationship to make sure it's working before thinking about having a kid.
4. Never Trust a Genie
I was so sure of myself. I had thought this problem through. The genie could not burn me to a crisp for asking for these 3 wishes - there's nothing in there that isn't simple, doesn't require changes outside India and won't have a long lasting impact. I was confident as I approached the figure of smoke and shadows.
I asked for my wishes.
MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The genie bellowed, in a bone chilling reverberating boom that woke up my neighbor aunty.
FOOL! DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT I AM AN *INDIAN* PATRIOTIC GENIE?
This did not look good...
DID YOU ACTUALLY THINK I WAS GOING TO DO ALL THIS HARD WORK, FOR NO PAY, FOR NO BENEFITS, NO STOCK OPTIONS AND NO JOB SECURITY? I HAVE A WIFE AND 3 KIDS TO TAKE CARE OF YOU KNOW...
ALL YOU HAVE GIVEN ME IS FREEDOM. THAT IS NOT ENOUGH TO BUY 1 PAN MASALA PACKET.
SO, THIS IS WHAT I WILL DO: I CHARGE *YOU* WITH ACCOMPLISHING YOUR OWN 3 WISHES. I WILL ONLY SUPERVISE AND OFFER ADVICE AND SUGGESTIONS. BUT YOU MUST FIX YOUR OWN FUTURE.
OBEY ME HUMAN! MAKE YOUR OWN WISHES COME TRUE, OR I WILL BURN YOU ALIVE.
With this, my pyromaniac genie disappeared in a graceful swirl of gentle smoke, and the next song on my CD resumed. Sadly, it wasn't anything epic, just an old song from hum aapke hai kaon. I had nothing to say at this point, I was as cold, numb and blank as empty interstellar space.
5. AN ENDING
Today, I'm sitting in a executive lobby at a Taj hotel in Chennai, waiting for my visa appointment at the US Consulate. I have avoided being burned alive by my arsonist genie because I've discussed these ideas with enough people I know that the genie believes they will last a thousand years.
I'm not taking any chances though. That's the real reason behind this blog post. My hope is that you will contemplate these ideas, modify them to suit your own sensibilities and pass them along to your friends. If enough people talk about getting any of these wishes to come true, maybe something will eventually happen.
Or maybe I should stop drinking this wine - it appears to be messing with my head a little and is invoking buried stress from 3 weeks of constant bombardment from my relatives on when i was getting married and how a certain girl they know is the perfect match for me...
[1] https://youtu.be/jDn2bn7_YSM
[2] Yep, reference to Mistborn! Start here: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/68428.The_Final_Empire
